DISCLAIMER: this is one of the few chances that I divulge my romantic life. I guess I just need an outlet to somehow let the world know my pains in life and probably understand why I am feeling and acting this way. All the 2,117 words are Sincere. Just bear with my lengthy entry, but I have to do this for the better. Hope you have the patience to read this.
Every now and then, I couldn’t help but identify myself to different tv and movie characters. Given how much I am into pop culture, I have realized how I progressed in relating myself to the different personas of the tube and reel. During my elementary days, I thought I am like Uncanny X-Men’s Beast and Power Ranger’s Billy. Those were my geek days, where study hours were imposed by my mom, where getting high grades are the standard for them. When I was in high school, I was Pokemon’s Psyduck, an odd and spacey Pokemon who is always misunderstood. College time I was a Survivor castaway, trying to control things in my life, trying to make the people around me go along with my plans. Early 20 to mid 20s was my Ugly Betty mode, where I begin to question my real purpose in the field of work, friendship, family and romance. And recently, just recently, when I watched Toy Story 3, I realized that I am like one of the plastic toys who crave for attention and affection. A plastic in a form of a sheriff. A sheriff named Woody.
While watching and crying during the screening, my mind was telling me “oh f*ck, if I were a toy, I must be like Woody”. Yes, I was like him, I am VERY much like him. And when Andy told Bonnie that Woody wouldn’t give up on you, I bawled like crazy because as if I have seen my self on that tiny plastic figure. He perfectly encapsulated the best and maybe the worst trait of mine. Just like Woody, I never give up on people even if rejection has to come with it.
I am a poster child for rejection especially when it comes to romantic pursuits. If there is a pedestal for isolation and being left out, I might be gloriously standing there. And for you better understand what I am talking about let me give you a brief timeline of my “affairs” and the people involved with it that stuck in my memory like a crazed stalker:
- Clothing Tech Guy (September 2008- December2008)– he’s from UP and we met in a networking site, after a couple of dates we became a couple. I had a blast with him. Since he is into fashion, he “experimented” on my looks and helped me find clothes and costumes that is suitable for me. We had volleyball, UP, coffee dates and so on. However, we disagreed on one thing, our dreams in life. His course from UP was his second degree and he decided to not use his BA degree in UST to fulfill his passion in clothing. I admit I was kinda annoying him –like telling to find a job etc but we managed to resolve it. One day, after a whole day of date and shopping in Galleria, I thought we were going strong. Until the next morning, I received a text from him, saying we were over. Just like that, without any clear explanation at all. The worst part was, it was just a few days before Christmas the season of merriment and loving. I was crushed.
- Advertising Guy (Jan 2009- March 2009) – he works in an ad agency and was a common friend of my colleagues at work. We kept our “bond” a secret. I was there when he has problems, trying to help him out to solve it. I was motivating him when he feels down. Though there were no romantic inclinations in it, I was ignorant when he told me that he loves me when he drunk dialed me one night. I told him we were better off as friends. We agreed, and we continued to be good friends, Until one day he just drifted away and suddenly acted as if he didn’t know me at all. I was shocked.
- Barista Guy (March 2009- June 2009; August 2009-December 2009) – this one was close to my heart. I also met him online, exchanged digits and started the days of lengthy texts, calls and chat. We had plans and shared our every thought to each other. I even lied at work to do half-day just to had a date with him. Our communication continued and I admit I was clingy to him, but with his help, I tried to control it. Then one day he texted to stop our “communication”. And the worst part? it was just a few days before my birthday. Friends of mine told me he was a jerk, but I hanged on and told them I knew deep inside he’s a good person. I defended him though he hurt me. Suddenly he resurfaced, and I told my friends I was right. It again ignited my excitement for him. Just like before, we texted, called and even visited him at work in QC (considering that I live down south). I thought it would continue then all of sudden he stopped communicating with me. Until I learned that he already has a partner. I was hurt.
- Engineer guy (August 2009) –I met him during the death of Pres. Cory Aquino, what started as a fling went into hours of calls and texts, but just like the others, he drifted off. I was perplexed
- Future great educator (September 2009)– I met him I anew wholesome networking site, and since I am an educator, we clicked and had an adorable or shall I say adorkable moments, like having breakfast date, watching Kimmy Dora and doing groceries. I was never expecting anything, but we loved the sweet tension between us. And when he kissed me from out of the blue, I was taken aback. That kiss lead him to decide that we were not meant to be. And that hurt me so much. Well fortunately, we became good friends. Somehow, I am satisfied.
- Lawyer (October 2009) – I met this guy through the site of chirping birds, and just like what happened to me in the past, it began with short status messages which lead to texting then calling. We then dated at Greenbelt. He was not familiar with the place so I kinda became a tour guide. At first it was awkward (some of my students caught us eating at Cold Rock), but as date progressed he had a mutual feeling of enjoyment. We didn’t stop communicating. We called and still texted but again one day, he suddenly became cold, never responded to my messages and I realized, my dream for a romantic possibility is over.
That was time I told myself, to stop and not entertain possible romantic liaisons cause I don’t want to end up getting hurt. Being a bum eventually helped me somehow, because I focused on finding a work rather than have new dalliances. Then recently it all changed. Because of this guy:
He who shall not be named (June 2010-July 19, 2010) – This guys works in a sales and marketing division of a food conglomerate. I met him in the site of chirping birds(again) but the difference is that he was the one who made the first move when he saw my blog and marky (check my other posts). It then led to twit flirtation and to my surprise, he even gave his number). He’s charming, witty and smart, so eventually I got interested at him.. And again , I went to the zone I tried to avoid: the countless calls, conversations, texts and simple disclosure of our lives. We eventually planed to meet up and watch Toy Story 3. And I have it planned out. I would surprise him by giving him chocolates (which is his favorite), give him a facial mask and a spa certificate that I won (because he is so stressed out with his work). I got excited again. And it made me feel giddy all over since it has been months since I had this moment and I got attached to him in a snap. My day was not complete without hearing his voice. I admit that I became a bit clingy but I told him I would try to avoid it, which eventually I did. I was feeling and enjoying the moment, but beneath that, there was this worry that he might be just like “THEM” but I let go of that and told myself he’s different.
But days before the planned movie date, he called me up and he said it was postponed because he was busy. He told me that I should not call or contact him anymore, and I should not be dependent on him. But I was sensing a different reason. So I tried calling up, and to my disbelief, a guy answered saying, “This is ___________ and I’m He who shall not be named’s boyfriend. And then suddenly, my world crumbled in front of me.
I was devastated because I thought he was different, but maybe he was just like them. But I have to compose myself because later that week was a culinary cook-off that I need to take part of. So I just kept my focus on that. I eventually made a blog entry about it, as my catharsis.
Later on he called, apologizing about what happened. According to him ______ is just a good friend, so I believed him and somehow we had a “truce”. I kept promised that I wouldn’t be clingy, by not calling nor texting him that often, and somehow, a glint of hope resurrected in my heart. I believe that we might still have a chance. Last Sunday, I got text from him, and he was inviting me to watch a UAAP game together, so it made that glimmer a bit brighter.
Then yesterday, I accidentally read __________ ‘s blog. And there was it there: the truth. The hurtful truth unraveled in front of me. I learned the real score, why he cancelled our movie date was because he met ________ a few days before our plan and in an instant , he had forgotten me. They went out that very weekend, the same day I was supposed to go out with who shall not be named. The entry also provided details of their succeeding dates and their possibility of being in the future together. And what hurts me the most is that during that during their dates, I was there without knowing the real score, still hoping and holding on and not giving up.
So I called him last night, and to cut it short, we had some sort of “closure”. But it still stings. I had wished that he shouldn’t gave his number because my life was relatively peaceful before he arrived. Now, it’s hard to gather and pick up the pieces that broke me once again.
That made me think, should I stop valuing people and finally give up on them? I’ve been through countless heart breaking experiences and though it was painful I was able to rise on it and continued on putting faith with the people I meet. But based on what happened recently, I am tired. Maybe I should stop being a Woody and become more of a Lotso. At least I would be spared from the emotional aspects of relationships. Maybe I should lessen the faith and valuing that I give for less heartbreaks—just like what Lotso mentioned, “No owners means no heartbreaks”.
Throughout my life, I have encountered people, gained new friends, lost a lot of drifters. One thing I can proudly say is that, despite the fact that I was hurt by these drifters I never bore a grudge among them, instead I still have faith that someday, we’ll meet again and befriends and sing Kumbaya together. Stupid as it seems, I never give up on that dream.
So for the guys I anonymously mentioned above, if ever you chanced upon this, thank you for making creating a smile on my face, sculpting a memory on our moments together and by giving me a bolt of excitement in my heart.
FU, on breaking my heart though.
Kidding aside, I can’t and won’t be angry to all of you. That is not just me. In fact I should be the one become angry to myself for being the romantic dreamer, romantic fool and believer in happy endings.
So probably, what I should do first is kept my “Woody” in a cabinet and I’ll just open it once there is a rightful owner who would come along.
But remember, even if Woody is tightly locked in a dark, dingy cabinet, he or shall I say, I still I would never give up on you.
On all of you.